Do . . .

• Be helpful, little things mean a lot:
• Offer to go to funeral home with the griever.
• Fix meals.
• Get groceries or necessities.
• Offer to assist with household chores and repairs.
• Offer to help with making decisions. It is often difficult to think clearly at the time of a death.
• Hugs are very good. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence.
• Do visit after the funeral is over. Many times a week after the funeral everyone has gone home and no one is around to console the griever. 
• Do maintain your relationship with the mourner. Many times relationships are abandoned because others don’t know what to say to the person who is grieving. They need your companionship now more than ever.
• Listen to the griever. Listen 80 percent of the time and talk 20 percent. Be patient, they need to be able to tell their story and share their memories. 
• Ask if the griever would like you to stay with them overnight:
• Some will welcome the company, while some will want to be alone.
• Just be there! Often no words need to be said, your presence is more than words can express and shows the griever you care.
• Call the griever in a week. YOU need to take the initiative to do this on a regular basis.
• Use the name of the deceased person. This person played an important role in the griever’s life. It is important to recognize that by mentioning their name. 
• Share your own losses and how the death of this person has affected you. You could also share how you have adapted to other losses in your life, but remember that what works for you, may not work for another person.
• Share your positive memories and stories of time spent with the deceased with their family.

Don’t . . .

• Don’t say, “I know what you’re going through.” We really don’t know what someone else is thinking or feeling. Every griever’s experience is unique.
• Don’t say anything that will make the mourner feel guilty for the death of their loved one.
• Don’t monopolize the griever’s time at the funeral home or over stay your welcome. Realize that the griever needs to share time with others and also needs time alone.
• Don’t say things like, “You’ll forget …” or “Time will heal your hurt and you’ll get over it.” The mourner doesn’t want to forget their loved one. And you never get over the death of a loved one … you learn to live with it.
• Don’t say anything about the appearance of the deceased at the funeral home to their loved ones.
• Don’t ask: “What happened?” Let the griever share their story when they are ready.
• Don’t violate the griever’s trust in you by sharing personal information with others.
• Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” People who need … generally won’t ask. This can also be perceived as though you are just trying to be nice — an offer that is meant to be declined.
• Don’t use hackneyed consolation by saying, “God works in mysterious ways.” “They’re in a better place now.” “You can always have another child.” The griever would do anything to have the deceased with them and these types of sayings often hurt more than they help.
• Don’t force the mourner into a role. “You’re so strong.” “You’ll need to pull yourself together.”
• Don’t try to hurry the griever through their grief. Grief takes time and patience and cannot be done on a fixed schedule. Often the grief process takes years.
• Don’t tell the mourner what they should do. This reinforces a sense of incompetence and each person handles things differently.
• Don’t make philosophical comments, “He wouldn’t want to be a vegetable.” “It’s a good thing for her that she didn’t suffer.”